Pegs & Holes

I type the word “peg” into the search engine on the Home Depot website and 259 options pop up.  There are shelf pegs, wooden pegs, shaker pegs, cabinet pegs and the list goes on.  All these pegs are unique and serve a different function depending on your needs.  In their uniqueness though, there is one distinct sameness. Each is designed to attach to the same size hole in their respective peg board.

For the sake of this post, let's call these pegs neurotypical.  That’s a fancy word for a typical brain.  These neurotypical pegs, or “typical” for short, are designed to serve different purposes and to assist with various needs.  Each is unique in form and structure with one small definitive characteristic.  They all have a round base.  Knowing this, society, with its neurotypical brains, have designed and structured pegboards that fit each neurotypical purpose.  This of course is easy to do because neurotypical brains come in one size fits all.  I know this, because I have one and have lived a privileged life because of it.

So what happens when the off chance that a peg is cut slightly differently?  Perhaps the sander shaved a little too much off, perhaps the hammer split off some of the wood, perhaps it didn’t get cut down to size while being manufactured.  Do these pegs get thrown away?

Let’s call these pegs neurodivergent.  This is a fancy way of saying different brains.  They have the same raw material as the typical pegs.  They are made up of the same substances as the typical pegs and were designed by the same layout as the typical pegs.  But this neurodivergent or “different” peg had something extra or something taken away that made them a little different.

Over time these different pegs that have been thrown out start overflowing out of the trash can.  What was one, two, three different pegs started becoming hundreds of different pegs that overflowed into the workroom of the peg making lab.  They started mixing in and mingling with the typical pegs.  Pretty soon you couldn’t tell which pegs were typical and which ones were different until you picked one up and tried to put it in the peg board which was not a one size fits all.  It was most definitely a typical pegs only board.  As the different pegs were forced to try to fit into the typical peg board  they were harmed.  When they didn’t quite fit in the hole it was pushed harder in an attempt to force it in.  They were broken and cracked  in an effort to make them be used in the same way as their typical peg peers.  They now have splinters coming out of them and rough edges too.  Their structure has been deformed and now they are cast out and taken to the garbage.  After all, a typical peg could get hurt by being around one of these different pegs.  Society’s peg board has made them dangerous to be around, by leaving them with splinters and rough edges. 

Let’s get practical for a moment. There’s a different peg named Pam that has a super sense of hearing, which falls under the category of sensory process disorder. She doesn’t realize this because she has always had this special hearing and doesn’t realize the typical pegs do not share this quality. She easily becomes overwhelmed by loud noises like vacuums, blenders, fire alarms and power tools. She tries to pay attention, but every movement that happens within 100 feet she hears. The leaves on the trees blowing in the wind. The squeaky motor in the fan on the ceiling. The toilet flushing down the hall. All the typical pegs keep telling her to pay attention and move quickly through the round hole but she can’t hear their instructions through the loud noises around her. She starts to feel different and not a part of the group. She becomes sad and loses her friendships with the typical pegs. Rumors spread and pretty soon all the typical pegs know that Pammy Peg is a problem peg that doesn’t pay attention and causes trouble.

How about Paul? Paul Peg is incredibly creative. All the typical pegs ask him to create masterpieces from various materials. They praise his art work and paintings. Others marvel at his genius. But Paul Peg has tics and abnormal movements due to his Tourette’s Syndrome.  At first the other pegs didn’t notice and when they did they thought Paul was being silly and trying to make them laugh. After sometime the typical pegs started labeling Paul as weird and their giggles became outright bullying of Paul. Paul Peg was no longer known for his beautifully creative artwork, but for the differences of the movements his peg body made.  The other pegs start getting scared of Paul and no longer let him join the typical pegs. Paul Peg was labeled a threat to others and dangerous because of his involuntary movements.

Lastly, we can’t forget Perry. Perry was shy and kept to himself. He knew if he didn’t bother the other pegs they wouldn’t bother him. Perry wore glasses and talked funny. He knew a lot about a lot of subjects and was early labeled a know-it-all. He came up with designs to fix the peg board so that different pegs like him could still belong and be used and function in the peg society. But Perry was always shut down by the other typical pegs who didn't understand him or his ideas. Perry Peg is gifted. He has a very high IQ and with that comes knowledge beyond his peg years.  Perry knows that the other pegs don’t want to hear from him and so he keeps his ideas and thoughts to himself and stays quiet and out of the way.

There are so many more examples and stories that could be told. Yours for instance. How does the different peg you are raising handle society’s expectations on them? How do you as a typical  peg handle the onlookers and opinions that others have of your different peg?  How many holes have you dug out with your own two hands just so your different peg could fit in?  How many endless nights have you stayed awake researching, listening to podcasts and reading the latest books?  Searching for answers to give your special peg freedom and friendships.  How many tears have you cried as you are overwhelmed with anxiety for the future? 

I see you today. I see you through my own tears and overwhelmed heart. I see you through the sleepless nights and endless unanswered questions. And you know who else sees you? Your different peg.  They see you too.  For you have taught them that they are only labeled different because a refusal to build a peg board that fits them has yet to be made. They see you fighting for them. They see you not giving up on them, they see you believing in them. They see a parent that is doing everything they can to understand them and their situation and to make the world a better place for them. They see you refusing to let them be beat down into a hole that is not meant for them, they see you refusing to allow for laughter and bullying because of their differences.  They see you working hard to create a society with a different set of holes.

Whether your child is verbal or non verbal, expressive or withdrawn, anxious or avoidant, young or old, they see and know that you believe in them even when all the other pegs disappear into the holes of life that were designed just for them. They see you stay and advocate for what can be. 

You’re a gift!